The "V" word

Over the past 10 years my spiritual journey has revealed, among other things, that I do not like vulnerability and have spent much of my life working to remove as much of it as possible. Just coming to the realization of my disdain for vulnerability has required more of that “v” word, and as He usually does God has regularly taken to stretching me in this area of weakness.

Annually for the past five springs, I have taken a three day canoe adventure to the Buffalo Wilderness area with other men. The trip is a right of passage of sorts: no cell phone service, supplies limited to what you can fit in the canoe, and exposure to whatever mother nature may throw at you (and she threw some haymakers last year). Every year, before the trip, I notice the same thought creeping into my head, “I think I’ll not go this year, just doesn’t feel right.” The thing I love about the trip is also what grows the urge in me to not go. Being in one of the few remote places in the state and at the mercy of the river creates an undeniable vulnerability in a person. It is a blunt reminder of how small and in some ways inconsequential I am. The trip forces me to deal for three days with the reality that there is a big God constantly doing things and allowing things far beyond my control (it is amazing how out of touch with this idea we can be in every day life).

The trip is so good for my soul, and at the end of the day I guess that is why I continue to go back, despite it being somewhat miserable at moments. Sure every man needs regular moments of feeling adventurous, but more specifically it is so good because it makes me practice the art of vulnerability. And while none of us like this soul exposing feeling, I have found it to be refreshing (in a jump in the icy pond kind of way).

So here I type today, preparing to practice vulnerability in a different way. (For those that don’t know, I am writing in a group with the prompt of “write something honest”). The challenge to write creatively the last few weeks was a breeze and enjoyable. Today is painful and time consuming. And as I brainstormed topics, I kept thinking about how this would be similar to that trip. Open. Exposed. Vulnerable. This begs the question, “why does this bother me so?” Here comes the honesty I spoke of earlier… because I have made a life of avoiding vulnerability. I have kept challenges moderate, I have kept people in safe boxes, and I do all the things any sensible American does to safeguard from any potential risk. Physically, emotionally, and certainly spiritually too I have limited risk and therefore limited my vulnerability…..and therefore limited my dependence on God. Certainly everyone has a story, and I am no different, I have my reasons for avoiding vulnerability, but the nasty side effect I have been forced to wrestle with as an adult is that God requires my vulnerability and I have no idea how to give it to him at times.

2013 was the most difficult river trip yet. We were caught on the river in a flood situation that we should have never been on. Vulnerability with God and exposure to nature was at an all time high. But, relationship with God suddenly made more sense, it came naturally. Prayer felt simple and powerful. Relationship with God felt real and secure. All relationships require vulnerability, and a relationship with God requires intense vulnerability. For me, the only way to learn vulnerability has been to voluntarily, repeatedly subject myself to that nasty little “v” word.

There is a great paradox here. God, the creator of the universe, offers me security in relationship with Him. But, from me, a small man on this patch of dirt we call Earth, He requires vulnerability. Can I give it to him?

Rock Hammer

Rock hammers are interesting tools. They are small, precise instruments used for a variety of things such as carving, geology, and breaking out of Shawshank prison. Many of you, I would assume, have seen the now classic film Shawshank Redemption. Watching Andy Dufresne carve with his tool small chess pieces and a hole big enough for a man to crawl through a prison wall sparked my interest in rock hammers. Acquiring the piece wasn't easy for Andy, as it brought suspicion in his new friend Red, who was a man who could get things.

“Well, if it was a toothbrush I wouldn’t ask questions, I’d just quote a price, but then a toothbrush is a non-lethal object, isn’t it?” (Red)

However, in its true purpose, a rock hammer isn't designed to be a lethal object either. Actually, the intended purpose of the tool is two fold in the field of geology.

First, a rock hammer is used to obtain a new, fresh surface of a rock in order to determine its composition, nature, mineralogy, history and field estimate of rock strength. More simply said, a rock hammer is used to uncover who the rock really is.

Second, and more harshly, a rock hammer is used to crush and break rocks with the aim of finding fossils inside. Geologists will crush rocks to see what treasure is hidden within them.

As my intrigue in rock hammers has remained since seeing the film, I can't seem to get away from this question: What rock hammers do I allow in my life?

What/who are the forces at play in my life working to knock off exterior surface material and discover my true composition? And what/who am I allowing in my to break me open at times to see what "fossils" might be inside? The latter is truly frightening, just think of the exposure of letting someone in to see the deepest fossils in your life.

All of this, to me, sounds like God's desire to sanctify us. He offers to use people and events in our life to help us see ourselves how he views us. How He views us is in the image of Himself we are created. And if we can cling to this God bearing image of ourselves, we will begin to look much more like Jesus. Sanctification.

God will often use critical relationships to "hammer" away at us such as our marriages, our children, or maybe our boss/coworkers. He will use big life events as well to reveal a fresh surface or uncover a fossil in our lives. These people and events are often His vehicle awaken our souls.

However, we are not lifeless rocks. We are persons whom God has given a free will. We must accept the influence of the rock hammers in our life. This is a great challenge. However, if we can expose ourselves enough, and deal with the uncomfortable vulnerability it will create in us, we might experience a moment of freedom similar to Andy Dufresne (and what a moment it was for Andy).

My Adventure Field

*** I haven't used this blog in about 4 years, but I thought it would be a good place to start putting what I write for FlyWheel Writing Society***

It was as if that field was put on this Earth just for me. Twenty acres of wide-open space with a few large pecan trees spread out systematically in rows throughout. There were areas of flowers, tall grass, and clover patches in my field. I can still smell it all, mostly the heavy Louisiana pollen, but my field seemed to carry the smell of nature. Trees, flowers, tall grass, right there in town and just for me. Okay, so maybe that field was only two or three acres, but to a young boy and his dog, it was a world all our own. There should have been five or six houses there, in Alexandria Louisiana, right next to the home I grew up in. The trees were spread out systematically because our neighborhood sat on an old pecan tree farm. As a boy, there was nothing I knew of more grand and strong than a pecan tree. There was also nothing more bitter and dry than the taste of her pecans, yet I ate them daily in season none the less. The pecans would pile up around the base of the tree in late spring every year. I always harvested them, and mom let me sell them to families in the neighborhood. My field gave me thousands of pecans every year, and put some money in a young boy’s pocket. Some of the trees had able branches low enough that I could climb them. One tree in particular, on the far west end, I could climb high enough to get a good view of my field. It was my kingdom, my piece of the world that I owned. Certainly not legally, I think it was abandoned, regardless it was all mine. In the northwest corner of the field there was a row of shrubs around ten feet tall It is more likely the shrubs were around three feet tall, but that is simply not how I remember them. Looking back they were quite random and out of place, but as a boy that row of shrubs provided another place of adventure. Quite often, those shrubs were a great dividing wall separating forces for good from forces for evil. Cops, soldiers, and cowboys took refuge behind that strong wall before many great battles. Other times, those shrubs provided a barrier that I charged myself to quite literally break through. I’m not sure who took the worse beating on those days, the branches I broke off or my bloody, scratched legs and stomach. None the less, the small price of slightly broken skin was a reminder that I conquered the great barrier in my field. On more calm days, I would set out for a different kind of challenge in the south side of the field. In a sea of millions of clovers, treasures were hidden. Right there in my field, if a boy looked long and hard enough he could find a treasure which my mom assured me was worth more than gold. Four leaf clovers were likely outnumbered ten thousand to one by those mundane, ordinary three leaf clovers. And while some part of me knew they were not as valuable as my mom suggested, each discovery brought such a rich sense of accomplishment that she seemed to be right anyway. Then there was Jake. One hundred pounds of a slobbering, licking, out of shape adventure partner. That field also belonged to Jake. It was place for him where no fences and leashes existed, and he was free to roam as he pleased while we adventured. However, he rarely roamed, in stead choosing to do what any great adventure partner would do, stay with me step for step, adventure after adventure. Jake and that field are seared together in my memory. His legs hidden in high grass, he seemed to float across the surface of my field looking for adventure of his own. He would (unsuccessfully) chase squirrels that called the great pecan trees home. He must have thought patrolling the field was part of his job description. He took that seriously, often stopping to mark our territory along the way. He had a great back yard at our home (I suppose so did I), but that field was the place that he came alive and filled his need to be free outside in creation. In hindsight, I see that was likely true for us both. Jake completed the potential the field offered. Without him, to whom would I have offered advice, directions, and war strategies? Who would have broken through the ten foot wall of shrubs with me? My field, Jake, and I needed each other, all three parts vital to the memories that shape my childhood. My parents have moved to a different state now, and I have not seen my field in years. I am not sure I want to either. I do not want to know how tall the shrubs are, or that my kingdom view perch might only be five feet off the ground. I might be disappointed by finding out there were an abundance of four leaf clovers and I was terrible at searching for them. I choose to remember my field just the way I see it now when I close my eyes, the way a young boy seeking adventure found it day after day all those years ago.