The "V" word

Over the past 10 years my spiritual journey has revealed, among other things, that I do not like vulnerability and have spent much of my life working to remove as much of it as possible. Just coming to the realization of my disdain for vulnerability has required more of that “v” word, and as He usually does God has regularly taken to stretching me in this area of weakness.

Annually for the past five springs, I have taken a three day canoe adventure to the Buffalo Wilderness area with other men. The trip is a right of passage of sorts: no cell phone service, supplies limited to what you can fit in the canoe, and exposure to whatever mother nature may throw at you (and she threw some haymakers last year). Every year, before the trip, I notice the same thought creeping into my head, “I think I’ll not go this year, just doesn’t feel right.” The thing I love about the trip is also what grows the urge in me to not go. Being in one of the few remote places in the state and at the mercy of the river creates an undeniable vulnerability in a person. It is a blunt reminder of how small and in some ways inconsequential I am. The trip forces me to deal for three days with the reality that there is a big God constantly doing things and allowing things far beyond my control (it is amazing how out of touch with this idea we can be in every day life).

The trip is so good for my soul, and at the end of the day I guess that is why I continue to go back, despite it being somewhat miserable at moments. Sure every man needs regular moments of feeling adventurous, but more specifically it is so good because it makes me practice the art of vulnerability. And while none of us like this soul exposing feeling, I have found it to be refreshing (in a jump in the icy pond kind of way).

So here I type today, preparing to practice vulnerability in a different way. (For those that don’t know, I am writing in a group with the prompt of “write something honest”). The challenge to write creatively the last few weeks was a breeze and enjoyable. Today is painful and time consuming. And as I brainstormed topics, I kept thinking about how this would be similar to that trip. Open. Exposed. Vulnerable. This begs the question, “why does this bother me so?” Here comes the honesty I spoke of earlier… because I have made a life of avoiding vulnerability. I have kept challenges moderate, I have kept people in safe boxes, and I do all the things any sensible American does to safeguard from any potential risk. Physically, emotionally, and certainly spiritually too I have limited risk and therefore limited my vulnerability…..and therefore limited my dependence on God. Certainly everyone has a story, and I am no different, I have my reasons for avoiding vulnerability, but the nasty side effect I have been forced to wrestle with as an adult is that God requires my vulnerability and I have no idea how to give it to him at times.

2013 was the most difficult river trip yet. We were caught on the river in a flood situation that we should have never been on. Vulnerability with God and exposure to nature was at an all time high. But, relationship with God suddenly made more sense, it came naturally. Prayer felt simple and powerful. Relationship with God felt real and secure. All relationships require vulnerability, and a relationship with God requires intense vulnerability. For me, the only way to learn vulnerability has been to voluntarily, repeatedly subject myself to that nasty little “v” word.

There is a great paradox here. God, the creator of the universe, offers me security in relationship with Him. But, from me, a small man on this patch of dirt we call Earth, He requires vulnerability. Can I give it to him?